It sucks coming face to face with the ramifications of having no direction in life. What sucks even more is being almost 40 and facing those facts. The hundred little connections my brain made in what started out as the realization that I don't enjoy high-brow literature turned into a search for people on Facebook, which resulted in a complete sense of personal failure. My preference for decidedly non-academic books led me to two realizations: 1. My memory has almost completely failed me, and 2. I am not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life. Worse still, I DON"T KNOW where I want to be, and that makes me depressed beyond belief.
The short version of how these seemingly unrelated events connected in such a way to make me want to drink myself into oblivion at 1:00 on a Friday afternoon goes like this: I'm debating whether to finish reading Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf, a book I should read because "Hey! I want to teach college literature, right?," but which is way too over my head to comprehend without resorting to Spark Notes. Then I think of all the other literary classics I didn't finish because they bored me to tears. Then I start looking for people I went to AIA with on Facebook, but I can't remember some names so I start Googling. I find one old professor at a different school, I think about how she was a horrible professor but still has a teaching job, I think about the English position at AIA that I wasn't qualified for, I think I could teach photography, I realize I'm no longer a photographer because I don't have the confidence or thick skin to survive criticism, and "those who can't do teach" but I can't teach photography because I'm not confident enough, I'm back in school to be a teacher but I don't want to teach middle school I want to teach college but my literature class was such a struggle last semester I'm not smart enough to be a literature professor, I'm almost 40 and unemployed and I can't be a pharmacist because I can't get through the science classes. Maybe it wasn't exactly short, but it was the only way to say it. The gist is I'm a failure and not good at anything anymore.
I'm trying to deal with the end of my photography career. It's all I ever wanted to do. Then I got burned out by the stress of weddings. I couldn't hack it anymore. I was so busy for a while, then as competition increased I found myself with more and more free weekends. I was happy for 10 years, but then people started settling for lower quality from cheaper photographers, or went the opposite direction by hiring the celebrity photographer with the whole "team" at their disposal who monopolizes the whole market. Who wants to compete with that? Count me out.
But what to do? Ah, "those who can't, teach" right? But that's so unfair to those teachers who are fulfilling a calling. Like Amy. She is a born teacher. My friend Suzy will disagree and say teachers are like anyone else trained to do a specific task. But not Amy. Yes, she has the training, but she also has the DESIRE to make a difference in the lives of children. I would venture that the majority of teachers picked teaching simply because it was a paycheck. Like dental hygiene or aircraft mechanics. I don't think anyone is "called" to be a dental hygienist, it's just training for a task. But teaching, above anything else, should be reserved for those who are CALLED. Why trust our children with someone who doesn't care about improving the lives of children, but who's just there for the check? The school system is full of those kinds.
But this is just what I'm doing. I don't really want to teach children, I want to teach at the college level. But teach what? Photography? No, since I failed at it I don't feel I'm in a position to give my insight on the craft. Literature? I would love to, but since I can't stand the classics it seems I'm not sophisticated enough to teach college-level students.
Therein lies my depression. And now I'm out of wine.
The short version of how these seemingly unrelated events connected in such a way to make me want to drink myself into oblivion at 1:00 on a Friday afternoon goes like this: I'm debating whether to finish reading Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf, a book I should read because "Hey! I want to teach college literature, right?," but which is way too over my head to comprehend without resorting to Spark Notes. Then I think of all the other literary classics I didn't finish because they bored me to tears. Then I start looking for people I went to AIA with on Facebook, but I can't remember some names so I start Googling. I find one old professor at a different school, I think about how she was a horrible professor but still has a teaching job, I think about the English position at AIA that I wasn't qualified for, I think I could teach photography, I realize I'm no longer a photographer because I don't have the confidence or thick skin to survive criticism, and "those who can't do teach" but I can't teach photography because I'm not confident enough, I'm back in school to be a teacher but I don't want to teach middle school I want to teach college but my literature class was such a struggle last semester I'm not smart enough to be a literature professor, I'm almost 40 and unemployed and I can't be a pharmacist because I can't get through the science classes. Maybe it wasn't exactly short, but it was the only way to say it. The gist is I'm a failure and not good at anything anymore.
I'm trying to deal with the end of my photography career. It's all I ever wanted to do. Then I got burned out by the stress of weddings. I couldn't hack it anymore. I was so busy for a while, then as competition increased I found myself with more and more free weekends. I was happy for 10 years, but then people started settling for lower quality from cheaper photographers, or went the opposite direction by hiring the celebrity photographer with the whole "team" at their disposal who monopolizes the whole market. Who wants to compete with that? Count me out.
But what to do? Ah, "those who can't, teach" right? But that's so unfair to those teachers who are fulfilling a calling. Like Amy. She is a born teacher. My friend Suzy will disagree and say teachers are like anyone else trained to do a specific task. But not Amy. Yes, she has the training, but she also has the DESIRE to make a difference in the lives of children. I would venture that the majority of teachers picked teaching simply because it was a paycheck. Like dental hygiene or aircraft mechanics. I don't think anyone is "called" to be a dental hygienist, it's just training for a task. But teaching, above anything else, should be reserved for those who are CALLED. Why trust our children with someone who doesn't care about improving the lives of children, but who's just there for the check? The school system is full of those kinds.
But this is just what I'm doing. I don't really want to teach children, I want to teach at the college level. But teach what? Photography? No, since I failed at it I don't feel I'm in a position to give my insight on the craft. Literature? I would love to, but since I can't stand the classics it seems I'm not sophisticated enough to teach college-level students.
Therein lies my depression. And now I'm out of wine.
